


Here Without You

by biggestbaddestwolf



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, DADT, F/M, M/M, Major Character Injury, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 02:53:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biggestbaddestwolf/pseuds/biggestbaddestwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Noah Puckerman and Sam Evans bond during their time in the military, while they both have people back home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here Without You

Noah Puckerman's got a picture of his girlfriend that he carries in one of his pockets. She's dressed in a yellow and white sundress and she's fit to burst she's so pregnant. He may be dick, Puckerman, but if anyone gets him talking about back home, really talking, not 'when I get back to Ohio, I'm gonna drink bars out of business, bro, you don't even  _know_ ' talking, he can go on for hours about the life he's gonna make for her and his kid. How she emails him pictures of houses when she sees a For Sale sign, and how he's already proposed, but she won't say yes until she sees the ring, which he carries around in another pocket because he won't let it leave his side.  
  
Sam Evan's only picture of Kurt is a group shot off his unit, where he's on the left side, and Kurt's on the opposite end of the group, and Evans never shows it to anyone. He doesn't share any stories. When they ask about a girl back home, the only answer he's got is that he hasn't had a girl for a few years now. Puckerman slaps him on the back and assures him, as a fellow Ohio-boy, the two of them are going to go to a bar and get Evans 'a hot piece of ass,' because "Evans deserves it for putting up with our stupid asses all the time."  
  
Puckerman continues, always continues, even when one of the other guys- usually Azimio, sometimes Evans, sometimes St. James- tells him to shut up (or 'cease and desist' in Jesse's case, and they all have a good laugh). He tries to find out what Evan's type is, loudly and obnoxiously.  
  
"Thick or thin? Or curvy?"  
  
"What are you talking about?" Everyone's eating, and Evans would really rather talk about the journalist that St. James had been shot down by earlier in the day. That had been good for a laugh, and it wasn't a conversation about crap weather, or serious girlfriends, or wondering if anyone gives a damn about what they're doing.  
  
Puckerman's eyebrow is cocked as he stares at Evans. "Girls, man. Girls. How do you like them?" Evans rolls his eyes and goes back to his food. "Seriously, man, given a choice, you lookin' at my girl or Azimio's?"  
  
"He better  _not_  be looking at my girl," Azimio grunts, even though he's chuckling and not really paying attention. "Hate to have to get locked up for killing a stupid white-boy."  
  
"I'm  _not_ ," Evans assures him. He turns to Puckerman. "I'm not looking at your girlfriend either. That's not cool."  
  
"Whatever, I don't care, look," Puckerman snorts before gulping down half a bottle of water. He wipes his mouth on the back of his hand before continuing. "She's a hottie, and you've gotta be blind or queer  _not_  to want that." There's a lot that Evans can say to that, but doesn't, because all of the responses make his stomach clench something awful.  
  
Evans looks down at his lap, at the rough fabric of his ACUs. He thinks of the picture of his old unit in his pants pocket. "Slim, I guess."  
  
Puckerman whistles and slaps Evans on the back. He does that too often, Evans thinks, but he doesn't say that either. "We got an  _answer_  out of  _Evans_ , boys! See, I told you his dick wasn't broken! He's just still trying to be a gentleman when there's no one around to be a gentleman fo-"  
  
Evans shoves Puckerman away. "Shut up."  
  
Chuckling, Puckerman obliges, going back to his meal.  
  
  
  
They've all got stories about what they're going to do when they get home.  
  
Azimio's married. He's been with his girl Mercedes since the summer after high school, the way he tells it. They hated each other for all of high school, he used to make her life hell. Summer after high school, he made some crack, she got sick of his crap, and tore him a new a-hole. Way he tells it, he fell in love the second she started tearing into him.  
  
Two weeks later, he asked her out on their first date. They got married a year later.  
  
Azimio says when he gets home, he's going to hole up in his house for weeks and remind his wife why she sticks with him. Someone- probably Abrams before he got shipped home after getting shrapnel lodged in his spine- told Azimio that 'Telling your woman that the two of you aren't leaving the house for weeks is a good way to get your ass dumped- trust me, I know'.  
  
Evans wonders about Kurt in high school. When they'd talked about their lives, they talked about after high school, mostly, about college and the friends they made there. About classes they took and why they'd decided to join up.  
  
Kurt never mentioned anything about high school, and Evans never asked. High school felt light years away, anyway, but suddenly, when Kurt's back in the States and Evans can't ask him, now he wants to know. Now it seems like Evans' screwed up by never asking whether Kurt dated in high school, or if Kurt did any extracurriculars. If he'd started studying languages in high school, or was it something that he got good at in college.  
  
Evans thinks about emailing him about it, but it seems like a stupid topic to email about. 'What were you like in high school' is a big question anyway, the type of question you ask over lunch, or dinner, or lying lazily on the couch on a Sunday morning.  
  
Or, at least, that's how Evans imagines asking it. Eventually.  
  
  
  
Puckerman may be a prick, but he's probably Evans' closest friend in the unit. When Evans sends pictures back home- to his parents, to his sister, to Kurt- they're usually pictures that Puckerman either took or it's Evans and Puckerman chilling. Their crew used to have Abrams in it too, and before Evans got transferred, apparently the crew was Puckerman, Abrams, and a guy named Hudson. Evans knows enough about Hudson to know that the whole unit has stories of dumb shit the guy's said, but talk about Hudson too long and Puckerman gets quieter than Evans ever sees him.  
  
When the days are like they are now, long and hot and indistinguishable from the day before, Puckerman and Evans are damn near inseparable. They end up stretched out, two folding chairs each, their feet propped up, watching the haze of the sun while nearby, St. James does Sudoku. They argue about retro game systems, SNES verses Sega Genesis, and Saturday morning nostalgia. Evans points out that Puckerman can just  _request_  kosher food, and Puckerman admits to bitching mainly to annoy everyone within earshot.  
  
They share silence and beers at night, and talk about back home, in Ohio. Puckerman tells tales about high school that Evans isn't even sure can be trusted, and how he joined up right after graduation. How Quinn, his girl, wouldn't speak to him for weeks when she heard the news, but they made up, and then suddenly, right before he left, she dropped the bombshell that she was pregnant.  
  
Puckerman gets serious when it's just the two of them. He jokes still, because Evans is pretty sure that Puckerman is incapable of not joking, but he's just a little less of a prick than he usually is.  
  
Evans even admits, in private, to preferring brunettes and short hair. Smart types. Confident and independent. He likes them smarter than him, he admits, because he likes feeling like somebody smart and cool wants him by their side.  
  
He likes them creative, he shares. Evans doesn't share it, but he remembers Kurt informing him, quite proudly, that he could probably decorate a house on a cardboard box budget. He remembers Kurt telling him this while Kurt was busy fixing the Humvee's flat tire.  
  
Evans stumbles over these admissions, half because he's tipsy and half because he's playing the pronoun game. The pronoun game's better than lying, he tells himself, because he doesn't want to  _lie_  about Kurt. Even if they haven't ever kissed, Evans knows there's something there because if there wasn't, it wouldn't hurt this much to lie about it.  
  
  
  
Abrams' had girl problems, and before he was shipped home, he joked that the best part of getting blown up was it was an excuse to go home and work it all out.  
  
Azimio told him that he was lucky his junk still worked, because hell if any girls were interested in Abrams' personality.  
  
Back at home, Abrams' managed to bag himself a model. Well, she's actually a dancer, but she looks like a model. According to Puckerman, all the guys gave Abrams' grief at first, because he always carried a professional picture of this leggy blonde, and no one believed that he could actually land someone like her. Then one night Abrams' called them all over to where he was Skyping with her, and sure enough, that same leggy blonde waved back at all of them.  
  
During one of those group talks about after their tours were over, Abrams admitted not being sure if he was in love. They'd only been dating for a few months before he was called for duty, and he likes her, but before the leggy super-model looking blonde, there'd been another girl, 'a real good girl,' he always said, and he'd gone and screwed that up. He knew he'd been in love with her.  
  
The wheelchair sucked, Abrams had said before he left, but he couldn't wait to go home. Figure out if he loved his girlfriend. He'd let them know how it turned out.  
  
Evans can't understand not being sure. He knew the second he'd fallen for Kurt that it was love, even if the words didn't leave his mouth at the time. He'd fallen in love with Kurt while Kurt tried to teach him how to ask for directions in Arabic. Evans is terrible at languages, so it was a lost cause from the start, but Kurt still tried, still slowly repeated the syllables and did his best not to cringe at Evans' mangling of a gorgeous language.  
  
He'd patted Evans on the knee and told him that he had a little while to go before he should ever try to use the phrase in public. Evans could have kissed him there. Could have leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on those lips that fought the urge to laugh at Evans' linguistic clumsiness.  
  
Evans hopes that Abrams figures out his girl problems quickly. He imagines being unsure can't be pleasant.  
  
  
  
One day, while talking to Quinn over video chat, Puckerman calls Evans over, urgently. Puckerman's eyes are a little red, a little moist. Evans worries at first that something's wrong, at but then Evans realizes Puckerman's smiling. It's a broad, dopey smile, too, one that Evans hasn't seen on Puckerman's face the whole time he's known him.  
  
Over video chat, Puckerman introduces Evans to Quinn Fabray-Hopefully-Soon-To-Be-Puckerman. He also introduces Evans to Beth Puckerman.  
  
Beth Puckerman has eyes like her mother, eyes that sparkle as she tries with pudgy arms to reach for the screen. Puckerman lifts his fingers to the screen and touches it when Quinn holds Beth's hand up. Evans fidgets uncomfortably when he sees Puckerman's eyes start to water, but Puckerman wants him there, asked for him, so Evans stays.  
  
Puckerman makes Quinn tell Evans about how Beth had apparently grabbed a picture of her mommy and daddy off the table while Quinn was setting up a photo album, and wouldn't let go. She's got a grip like her dad, Puckerman says, and then he says he can't wait to teach her how to play baseball.  
  
Quinn says that Puckerman's going to make their little girl butch. Puckerman says he doesn't care; she'll be perfect whether she's a little princess, a tomboy, or a full out dyke, he doesn't care because she's beautiful like her mother. Quinn blushes, even as she rolls her eyes.  
  
They're very much in love, Evans thinks as he watches Beth kick her legs and squirm in her mother's arms. Even as Quinn starts getting on Puckerman's case, and Puckerman rolls his eyes and replies in ways that are clearly calculated to annoy her, Evans can see it. Puckerman's world is that poor quality video feed.  
  
Evans wants to be able to call Kurt and tell him about it. To tell Kurt how bizarre it is to see tears in Puckerman's eyes and a stupid smile on Puckerman's face. When Evans gets home, he wants to introduce Kurt to his little cousins, even though he's pretty sure that Kurt isn't really a kid-person. That's okay, though, because Evans likes being the cool cousin, and when his sister gets better, and she gets a little older, he'll be the cool uncle too.  
  
He tells Kurt about it in an email, but it's not the same. It's not remotely the same.  
  
  
  
St. James is a proud bachelor, and has no intention of settling down. Especially not when he gets home from his tour of duty.  
  
No, when he gets home, he's got a career to focus on, not a woman. He wants to do theater. Puckerman wonders why the hell St. James joined the army if he wants to be on stage, and he wonders it loudly. With an unamused look, St. James tells the rest of the guys that he couldn't afford NYU's tuition on it's own, and he wanted to attend Tisch.  
  
That isn't to say that St. James didn't date, because he did. He and Puckerman are the unit flirts, taking every opportunity to charm any females they come across. Puckerman does it out of habit; St. James does it because they're the closest he has to an audience nowadays. The boys laugh, poke fun when St. James doesn't get the reactions that he wants, and congratulates him when he does.  
  
When he gets home, though, St. James swears it'll be all about classes and auditioning. Where some of the boys carrying pictures of their girlfriends, wives, and fiancees, St. James carries a Tisch FAQ brochure.  
  
Evans doesn't know what he's going to do, career-wise, when he gets back. Kurt's still doing interpreting, still working with language while he keeps himself busy. Evans'll probably get a job in construction or something, a job that he knows he can do, even if he doesn't have a dream or a goal beyond getting home.  
  
He told Kurt once that he'd love to draw for the rest of his life. Just sit and do comic art, cover illustration. He's no Marko Djurdjevic or Alex Ross, but he's a decent enough artist. But careers like that are one in a million. He'd never be able to do it.  
  
Kurt frowned at him then, looking as if he wanted to touch Evans, put a hand on his shoulder or hug, but didn't dare. He looked Evans straight in the eye and told him sternly that Evans' attitude was ridiculous. If Evans wanted to draw, he should, Kurt told him.   
  
Kurt has never seen Evans draw, and Evans has never seen St. James act. When he gets home, Evans thinks, he'll show Kurt some of his sketches. When St. James makes it big, Evans is sure that Kurt'll want to go see him on stage, even if Kurt's never met him. It just feels right.  
  
  
  
Another beer night and Puckerman tells Evans he's scared of ending up like Hudson.  
  
It's the first time Puckerman's ever brought up Hudson seriously. Before this, it's been one-liners and joking anecdotes that trail off because there's more sadness than humor in them. Evans watches as Puckerman leans forward, his elbows resting on his thighs, and wonders what Puckerman's going to tell him.  
  
Puckerman and Hudson were old friends. From the nursery friends. It was all a series of strange, fortunate events that kept them in the same unit. They'd even signed up together. They'd gone to school together, double-dated together. Met their girlfriends back in high school together- Quinn Fabray and Rachel Berry. Bought rings for their girlfriends together. Hudson actually gave Rachel her ring before leaving. Puckerman insisted on waiting until he came home a hero.  
  
He doesn't talk about how Hudson died. He talks about how he used to embarrass Hudson during his video chats with Rachel, and Rachel would roll her eyes. He tells Evans that it's funny that Hudson ended up with Rachel, and he ended up with Quinn, because the first double date, Hudson had begged Puckerman to come along and keep Rachel company so Quinn'd go out with him.  
  
They'd fought over the girls. Real punches thrown. They settled down, ended up dating the other's ex-girlfriends. They never looked back.  
  
Except now Puckerman video chats with Rachel to make sure she's okay. That she's coping with Hudson's death. He's got to watch out for her  _and_  for Quinn and Beth, because that's what he promised Hudson he'd do. He'd do it anyway, because Rachel's one of his oldest friends, but it's more important because Hudson's gone.  
  
And now Puckerman lays awake and is frozen with the fear that he'll leave Quinn a single mom. That she'll have to teach Beth how to flirt and how to break up with someone and how to play baseball. Quinn's already got enough to teach Beth. Puckerman can't end up like Hudson. There are three girls back home- Quinn, Beth, and Rachel- that he's got to watch out for now.  
  
Evans listens in silence. He's glad Kurt's at home.  
  
He's sure that Kurt can watch out for himself, but Evans is gripped with the fear that he'll end up like Hudson too, now. Except Rachel has the ring that says what Hudson felt about her. Evans has never given Kurt a real present.  
  
  
  
In the heat and the dry air, Evans makes the stupid mistake of looking up at the sun, and for a moment he's blinded.  
  
Next to him, Puckerman was wearing sunglasses. While Evans blinks and rubs his eyes, for once, Puckerman doesn't laugh. Instead, he watches Evans for what feels like the longest five seconds of Evans' life, and asks Evans what his boyfriend's name is.  
  
Evans chokes on spit as his vision comes back to him, blinking rapidly as he stares back at Puckerman. Puckerman glances over his shoulder, turns back to Evans, shrugs. Tells him to relax, that Puckerman's not going to go blabbing to anyone. It's just that Evans is his boy, like Abrams, like Hudson, and it's clear that Evans has someone he's thinking about when the boys talk about back home.  
  
And Evans is private, Puckerman points out, but nobody's that private without a good reason. So Puckerman wants a name.  
  
Evans shakes his head, and doesn't answer. Puckerman lowers his sunglasses for a moment to stare a little longer. When Evans still doesn't say anything, there's a flash of disappointment in those eyes, in a firm frown, before Puckerman pushes the sunglasses back up and shrugs again.  
  
It's not that Evans doesn't want to tell Puckerman, because he does. If there's anyone in the unit that Evans would tell, it's probably Puckerman. But he thinks about getting home, and getting home without getting dishonorably discharged. He gets nauseous thinking about coming home to Kurt like that. Coming home to his family like that.  
  
Evans wishes it was a simple as embarrassment. If mortification was the worst of the problems that could arise by answering.  
  
Even if not telling Puckerman is just as good as saying that they're not as cool as Puckerman though they were.  
  
But Puckerman introduced him to his baby. And that's worth something.  
  
He says Kurt's name softly, practically mumbles it, and he thinks Puckerman missed it at first. But Puckerman nods, puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes for a second, before saying he's got to go take a piss and wandering off.  
  
It's the first time in a long while Evans said Kurt's name out loud. It aches more than he thought it would.  
  
  
  
It's not that they don't work, but it's another one of those long stretches of boredom and heat, where they fill their days patrolling and cleaning weapons and doing inventory. Puckerman bitches that this isn't what he signed up for, and St. James asks him what he did sign up for. Puckerman flashes a smirk over at him and says he signed up to be a hero. Azimio throws a plastic spoon at his head as St. James says there are worst things to be than bored.  
  
Puckerman says sure, but pretends he can't think of what any of those things might be.  
  
Evans spends a lot of time making sure his uniform is in good repair. Fixing buttons, cleaning boots, because he remembers how perfect Kurt managed to keep his ACUs, even with all the sand and dirt. If Kurt can do it, Evans can do it for Kurt's benefit. So that when he sends pictures to half of his family with Kurt's email smashed in the middle there, Kurt can see that Evans is doing well.  
  
They email still, but not very often. It's a juggling act; they email enough that Kurt knows Evans is okay, and wasn't anywhere near the bomb scare three days ago, but not so much that it looks like Kurt is worrying more than Evans' mother is. Which Evans thinks he may be, and Evans would laugh about if he wasn't so scared half the time.  
  
He's not the only one that's scared. They all are, sometimes, even when they're joking. St. James, the actor, is always the best at pretending that he's not. Azimio gets snappish when he's scared. Puckerman spends more and more time quiet. Evans doesn't know what he does, but he knows that he's scared as hell.  
  
Nothing's happening, and that's the worst, because if nothing's happening, he wants to be home. He wants to visit Kurt at his home. He wants to touch Kurt and know that he's still real.  
  
Hell, he wants to see Kurt on that crappy video feed and look into his eyes. He'd take just enough time to say hi and how are you and I'm alive and goodbye. That's all he needs.  
  
It pisses Evans off, knowing that something that should be so easy is so impossible.  
  
  
  
This time, Evans is a little drunk, but it's okay, because he and Puckerman have a little time off. Just a little, though, but that's more than enough time to be drunk and miserable.  
  
It's starts out cheerful enough. Puckerman drops down two six packs of beer and tells Evans that he better be thirsty, because Puckerman's not drinking this all on his own. Evans snorts, opens a beer, and takes his feet off the folding chair he was stretching out on.  
  
Puckerman drags the chair over so it's next to Evans instead of in front of him. They shoot the breeze for awhile, Puckerman cracking idle jokes about this unit member and that one, and about the food here and about how he's worried sand is going to end up permanently lodged in places where it shouldn't be. Evans calls him a stupid dick. Puckerman shrugs and insists its a legitimate concern.  
  
But it's not long before things grow somber as the night goes on. They fall quiet again, and Evans doesn't think Puckerman was this quiet when Evans first transferred. He wonders who Puckerman thinks about when he gets like this. If it's Quinn or Beth or Rachel or Hudson or Abrams.  
  
But Puckerman doesn't speak about any of them. Instead, he asks Evans to tell him about Kurt. And they're alone, and Evans is drunk, and has so much that he doesn't say, so Evans leans forward, the can of beer hanging loosely in his hand between his legs and talks about Kurt.  
  
He talks about Kurt being the best translator he'd ever known, not that Evans has known many translators, but Kurt is definitely the best. He admits that he first knew he was attracted to Kurt when Kurt got fed up with him one day and sternly told him to go sit to the side until he was done, because Kurt looks so handsome when he's frustrated.  
  
That makes Puckerman laugh, sadly, and he says he gets that. Says that he always has to drive Quinn up the wall so that he can see those expressions on her face. Evans blinks, in surprise, when Puckerman says that. Shocked that Puckerman offers the comparison between Quinn and Kurt.  
  
Evans continues. His voice grows distant when he tells Puckerman he's never even held Kurt's hand. That once they realized they were attracted to each other, they didn't even give each other pats on the shoulder anymore, for fear they'd hold on too long and someone would see.  
  
Weeks and months of close quarters that weren't close enough but yet somehow still suffocating. Of wanting to talk to each other and picking every word carefully. Spending evenings pretending to be talking about back home when all they wanted to do was figure out the future and the here and now. Never giving it a name. Of wanting to just touch Kurt's lips and what if he dies before he even gets to do that?  
  
There are salty tears in Evan's eyes as he stares firmly at the ground. As he pretends they don't fall into his beer. He barely registers when Puckerman's hand reaches out and squeezes his shoulder firmly for a few seconds before dropping away until Puckerman's hand is gone.  
  
There's a ghost of pressure on Evans' shoulder.  
  
  
  
Puckerman is going home.  
  
His left arm is thick with burn scars, and his left ear has 'temporary hearing loss', but he's going home. Evans hates the jealousy that slices through the worry. Evans has a few scars himself, but nothing that'll make him useless on the field.  
  
Puckerman's not happy, even though he's going home. He's pissed, because who knows how long it's going to be until he can play guitar for his little girl. Before he can walk around the house with her in his arms without worrying about his left arm fucking up. The doctor assures him that he can sit and hold his baby girl just fine, but that's not the point.  
  
The point, Evans knows, is that the scars are bringing the war back home to his girls. He's bringing the war home instead of Hudson, and Puckerman is furious.  
  
The boys try to comfort him. Quinn tries to comfort him on video feeds with tears in her eyes. Assures him she still thinks he's the same stud that she has always put up with, and he needs to get his butt home so he can hurry up and make an honest woman out of her. He reminds her she said she wouldn't say yes without having the ring in her hand.  
  
She says she's saying yes now, and that she knows he's got a ring waiting for her.  
  
Evans sees all of this because he spends his free time sitting next to Puckerman's hospital cot. He tries his best to keep Puckerman's bitter grumbling from becoming full-fledged angry shouting. Puckerman doesn't want to go home, but doesn't want to stay.  
  
Evans doesn't want Puckerman to leave, but hates the idea of Puckerman being stuck here any longer than he has to be.  
  
Puckerman is going home, and Evans doesn't feel any closer to seeing Kurt. If anything, seeing the scars on Puckerman's arms make it feel like he's got even longer to go before he gets to see Kurt again. The nausea that rises in Evans throat isn't from the grotesque look of the injury. It's panic and fear and all the things he can't tell Kurt about. That Puckerman had listened to in Kurt's stead.  
  
Evans talks to his sister the night that Puckerman actually leaves. She's no better, no worse, and Evans feels useless. He's supposed to feel like a hero, isn't he? Like he's doing something good for his country. All he feels, though, is lonely, even when Azimio and St. James check on him to make sure he hasn't fallen asleep sitting up in front of the computer after hanging up with his sister.  
  
He hasn't. He sits frozen in front of the computer, in front of his email, where Kurt tells him about a news story they aired about the war, and wonders if Evans is near such and such a place. He holds his breath for a moment and presses reply.  
  
He gives Kurt a time he's going to try to call, and hopes that Kurt'll be around to pick up. He won't say much, just ask how Kurt is, whether home is warm and boring and safe. But he'll hear Kurt's voice.  
  
And for now, that has to be enough.

**FIN**


End file.
